I am sitting here next to Lizzy and she said, "we should write a blog together right now!" And then I said, "okay." And then she handed me the computer. But I don't really know what I am supposed to write about. If it is possible to have an awkward pause at the beginning of a written page, that is what I am trying to convey. I am looking at my shoes and kicking my feet together in the dirt right now. Lizzy just said, "we could write about our dog." So I will put down some thoughts about her (the dog, not Lizzy).
Friday, January 30, 2009
I inherited our dog when I married Lizzy. Inherited might be the wrong word since it conveys that I got some kind of family heirlooms in the form of Whistler paintings or Intel stocks. Roxie is not like that at all. She is a dog that looks like a very tall and hairy legged serpent. She looks like a wiener dog with 36 inch legs and a perfectly triangular head because of very large bat-like ears. A profile portrait of her would look the exact same whether she was wearing a Revolutionary era tri-cornered hat or not. Also, she has gas that smells like she cooks eggs for herself and eats them while we are sleeping.
As you can see, Joel really loves our dog. I have to admit that his description of her, however unflattering, is quite accurate. If you can imagine what a dog who has lived in a junk yard for six years looks like, you are imagining a spitting image of Roxie. Only her head is smaller....no, smaller still....are you picturing a continuation of a neck that comes to a point with nostrils on the end? Great, then that is exactly what she looks like.
Despite her aesthetic shortcomings, she really is a good animal. She sits when I say, "sit." She shakes when I say either, "shake," or "nice to meet you" (I thought that would be clever trick to teach her for when she first meets people. I realize now that very few people say "nice to meet you" when meeting a dog. Or probably any other four legged animal. They might say it to a monkey. I would. Especially if it was a monkey wearing clothes and one of those shriner hats.) I'm working on trying to teach her to not run away when she's outside but chances of that are slim. As Joel always says, "You can take the animal out of the wild but you can't take the wild out of the animal." He actually doesn't say that. He's clearly funnier than me so I thought I would throw a super lame joke in there and say he said it to even up the playing field.
It is true that our dog runs away as often as possible. One time she jumped out of my car in a crowded Publix parking lot and ran laps around the perimeter. I didn't know how to get her back so I just kept yelling, "Roxie, wanna go for a ride in the car?!?!," in a really high pitched panicky voice. Obviously she didn't want to go for a ride in the car. She had shown me that by jumping out of the car. This isn't a very good story. I know because Joel read it and said, "That's funny," without actually laughing. Not a good sign. I might pass the computer over to him now....
Our dog looks like a stray no matter how much we bathe her. She looks like a dog that you might see wander by in the background of one of those commercials for Christian Children's Fund. The End.
But not really because I want to tell one more joke!
A horse walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Why the long face?!" Get it?! Because horses have long faces. And long face also means that you're sad. (Lizzy wrote those last parts. -Joel)