Tuesday, February 17, 2009

State Fair

Our efforts to continue with the regular postings have been frought with difficulties, most recently by finding out that frought is not actually a real word. Besides that, we've had a lot of trouble keeping up because Lizzy will say, "let's write a blog!" and then I'll say, "maybe we should wait until tomorrow." I am a procrastinator, which is actually a Latin word that means "muscle man."

Lizzy and I went to the state fair last Monday. She has been asking me to go with her for three years now, but I always found a way out by saying I was busy our pretending to have a heart attack or throwing down a smoke bomb and disappearing. But by now, it was time to pay the piper (or more accurately, the surly bearded man in the Budweiser hat) and take her.

It is really hard to write about the fair because unless you are a really good writer, a good story depends a fair amount on exaggeration and it is very hard to exaggerate the fair. What can I say? "They fry Oreos, Snickers, and Pepsi!" But they actually do. "I was worried for my life because a man that I wouldn't let wash my 1998 Nissan Sentra was in charge of catapulting my wife and me 100 yards into the air on a giant rubberband!" But this is true as well. So I will just recount my three highlights.

First, Lizzy paid a dollar to see something hidden behind a curtain that had a sign that said, " See the Strange Thing. What is it? Soooo freaky! Beware! It will really make you think." It was Joey Fatone. Second, I ate the best corn dog I have ever eaten. If the man selling it had told me that the price was one year of my life (which is possibly also true), I think I still would have eaten it. Lastly, we got to feed oats to a bunch of goats and sheep and a buffalo. Although we might have contracted brucellosis (ha!) that might have been my favorite part of the evening. It is possible that I would have really enjoyed being a farmer. But only the part where you feed oats to animals once in a while, and I think there is more stuff to do than that. Like holding pieces of straw between your teeth.

I'm sure by this point everyone is wondering what the "Strange Thing" that "really made me think" was. I'm sure I wont be able to do it justice in my description but basically it was a creepy doll with a fish tank turned upside down over it. I don't think it was supposed to be a doll though. I think it was supposed to be some sort of shriveled human with a mermaid tail. I assume the fish tank was necessary to prevent people from touching it with their deep fried Twinky grease covered fingers. Relics depreciate rapidly with grease spots on them. The following is my conversation with the Strange Thing attendant.

Me: (holding out dollar)Hi. May I see your strange thing?
Keeper of the Strange Thing (KST): (Takes Dollar)Sure. (Leads me behind divider and reveals creepy doll in fish tank) This here washed up on shore in the 1940s. They think it was a result of some kind of nuclear testing on humans. It has a tail like a mermaid. Another one washed up after the tsunami. You can google it and see a picture. Just type in "tsunami mermaid." My girlfriend...she just left to go get something to eat...her grandfather found it.
Me: Alright.
(Awkward Pause)
Me: Thank you for letting me see your strange thing.
KST: Thank you for your dollar.
EXUENT

Joel and I had a wonderful time at the fair. We pet a few kids (that's what baby goats are called), ate a few foods on sticks and rode a few rides. Joel was kind to do this. He doesn't like rides that are held together by duct tape as much as I do.

At one point I payed a dollar to see, "The Smallest Horse You Will Ever See." Apparently it is "So Small You Can Hold It." This investment was a big disappointment. A better title would have been, "The Most Overweight Shetland Pony We Could Fit In This Smallish Cage."

Joel and I played a some games and actually did fairly well. We won a stuffed bear (not a real one), a stuffed dog (real) (no, I'm just kidding) and a framed picture of Barack Obama. I'm a bit disappointed in the quality of the dog. It's stuffed with styrofoam packing peanuts and smells like that stuff you use to clean your hands after fixing a car engine. Definitely not worth the $15 we spent on it.

To end our fun-filled night we rode something called the "Space Roller." It looked really fun because of its fancy lights and rock 'n' roll music. Mostly it just nauseated and disoriented everyone who rode it. When the ride ended, everyone staggered off the same way you are supposed to run away from an alligator. Some bent over and put their head in between their knees. Some parked on a bench and waited for the world to stop spinning. Some walked to their cars and rode home with their seat all the way back, trying not to repeat that bite of fried snickers they had that their mom would never have let them eat but she wasn't there to stop her! That was me. I did that. When I got home I threw up. Twice.

THE END